My draft night is tonight and I am sitting at work (with no boss nor any real work to be completed) so I was thinking about the typical cast of characters that are going to log into your draft room tonight while you guys battle it out for another years worth of fantasy football bragging rights. For those of us who participate, the draft is both an unofficial holiday and serious business. These two hours determine which carefully constructed roster of talented athletes will be making up for our own woeful athletic shortcomings over the course of the next three months. Here's the ten I have came up with:
10) You Stole My Pick Guy
Whereas the Fantasy Vet "can't believe you took Maurice Jones Drew because it's a non-PPR league," this guy can't believe you took MJD ... because he was his very next pick! This guy finds it absolutely mind blowing that two friends using the same finite pool of news and statistics, would end up liking the same elite player. If it's a live draft, he'll be glad to show you his copy of the Top 200 Fantasy Players he printed off of at work, where he's marked all of the names with a check mark, double check mark or smiley face. Of course, it's tough to feel bad since he grunts and whines about at least one pick that was stolen from him in each round.
9) The Clueless Guy
He has a vague notion of what the National Football League even is and hes pretty sure it has something to do with a ball and maybe sports. He'll make his presence known in the third round when he starts asking after the availability of whichever long-retired player was most recently on Dancing With The Stars. When you invited clueless guy into your league a few years back, you were hanging precariously at eleven participants with the draft 4 hours away and you needed to get to 12.
8) The Superfan
The superfan shows up for the draft wearing his favorite team's jersey, and might give off the impression that he was drafted by them in the off-season since he uses the first person plural when referring to how good "our offense looks." He will be shocked and outraged when you take his team's best player one pick ahead of him in the early rounds. But the late rounds are where the super fan really does his damage. He's spent the summer reading up on how his team's fourth string wide receiver might be due for a break out season and seems completely unaware that every sports writer in every NFL city is writing that same article about their team's fourth string wide receiver. The most surprising thing about the Superfan is how shocked he'll be when his team sucks.
7) The Hurry Up Guy
Let's Hurry It Along Guy starts heckling everyone who takes over 30 seconds to make a pick soon after the second round winds down. His tactic ends up making the draft an hour longer with all the time people spend asking him to kindly shut the fuck up but does he care? Nope, it's all about letting people know that he's got somewhere very important to be on a Tuesday night at 11PM.
6) The "I Only Play For Money" Guy
You may recognize him from his work as "The Guy Who Went Perfect in His Dad's NCAA Office Pool" last March. This player will compete in your draft because he's friends with the other people in the league but he will go out of his way to talk about how he's not really taking your league seriously because there isn't any money on the line. If there is money on the line, he's in some other league with a $7,000 buy-in and he'll remind you several times throughout the draft that in his other leagues, he's got a much better team.
5) The Awful Pick Guy
He won't say much during the draft but every couple of rounds he will make a point to tell another player what an awful pick he just made. "Awful pick, bro," or "He sucks, that's a terrible call," are the most phrases from this guy. If anyone ever calls him on being an asshole, he'll usually claim that he's just "trying to rattle a few cages." But no matter how much he claims to be the "I'm just stirring up some friendly trash talking" guy of fantasy football, Awful Pick Guy is usually just an asshole.
4) The Guy Who Drafts Michael Vick
The Guy Who Drafts Mike Vick will snag him in the eighth or ninth round and then boast about what a steal the pick is and how this is the year Mike Vick puts it all together. He'll throw out some obnoxious prediction like "Vick is gonna throw for 4,000 yards and rush for another 1,000. You guys just watch." Then mid-October hits and Vick is either splitting carries as a Wild Cat QB or aiming for a season that consisted of a third of what your friend had originally predicted. You'll recognize the Guy Who Drafts Mike Vick from your fantasy baseball and basketball drafts where he was The Guy Who Drafted Tracy McGrady and Jason Giambi.
3) The Funny Guy
The Funny Guy can be expected to draft Dante Culpepper very early just so he can name his fantasy team "Salt-N-Culpepper." This year he'll definitely be drafting the Bears' Adrian Peterson and then later offering him up in trades for first rounders. He'll also be drafting players with funny names, like Steve Breaston, Chad Ochocinco and Visanthe Schiancoe. When asked why he drafted Breaston so early, he'll likely tell you, "He was the breast available option."
2) The Auto Drafter
There are excusable reasons to miss your fantasy draft. Guys have to work, have exams, their girlfriends find out about the other girl they have been sleeping with. But there's always that one guy who can't be bothered to be at a computer for two hours out of the year, every year. Yahoo! or ESPN will make all of his selections for him, and he will spend the rest of the season bitching about how he was "totally going to take (insert whatever player kicked his ass the previous Sunday)." His list of "guys I was totally going to take" contains at least 15 players who were gone by the fifth round.
1) The Stats Guy
Stats Guy likes to tell you that "the late rounds are where you can really get a lot of value if you know what to look for." He was thinking about taking the same quarterback as you "until I realized that he has a sub-.500 completion percentage against the Cover 3." Usually, his apparent belief that Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski don't have shit on him stems from the fact that he's read the 2009-2010 pro football prospectus from cover to cover. They will also rip on everyone's draft pick who did select the player that should have been selected. For example, "Nice pick dude but you left so and so on the board." "Have you seen the division that guy is playing in? Easily the 2nd best defensive division in the league. Good luck." "Bro, did you not see that he's out 3-4 weeks with a strained plantar foot?? It was all over ESPN news at 6 am this morning."
Is it sad to say that I'm probably best described as the stats guy?....
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